Tantra as Spiritual Practice

How can tantra help a woman enhance her inner qualities?


Thank you, Bobbin Cat, for posting this question. I have been thinking about it since last night and want to respond in this blog. In short, Tantra is a mystical path of commitment, devotion and dedication to transformation and liberation.


Tantra is about harnessing and amplifying our inner power, our Shakti. The word tantra means to weave and involves a process of weaving/blending opposite qualities or tensions and experiencing the unity of their common essence. There are various forms of practices in Tantra: mantra, yoga, pranayama, meditation, yantra worship, ritual. Through these practices we learn to experience our mind as a stream of thoughts and emotions. A yogini (or yogi) learns to break the thought patterns through repetitious chanting, focusing the mind on a deity or sacred symbol. Sometimes emotions or thoughts become amplified. Whether one considers them bad or good, one needs to approach them consciously, looking for the root of the feeling/thought, then once it is discovered, holding it with reverence. Tantra teaches us many tools to engage in this process. The energetic properties of mantra, for example, stimulate us on a cellular level and balance and synchronize our energies. Yoga helps open our nadis or energetic channels and leads us to conscious embodiment. Ritual and deity worship help us align with the divinity and find Her/Him within ourself. These practices take us out of our daily often unconscious routine. Our approach to life deepens and becomes imbued with meaning. The universe responds and we notice how It reflects our thoughts and desires. (see www.suddenlyhersoul.blogspot.com Mystery: Death Happens) Signs and synchronicities abound, thereby strengthening the qualities within us that know and remember our divine interconnected essence.


Nandu told me that a yogini does not react to a difficult situation, but responds. She learns to stay balanced and calm in the face of any adversity. And as another one of my teachers told me this week, sometimes a yogini retreats. Periods of meditation, contemplation, solitude and creative expression are necessary. What we need to access our power within varies at different times. Most important is that we do not become all consumed or obsessed with the emotion/experience and do practices to remain conscious of the lila or play we are experiencing.


To enhance my positive inner qualities, or my Shakti, I attempt to confront and embrace any negative thought or emotion. Sometimes I sit with it and let it run its course for days or weeks, but then eventually I do sadhana-spiritual practice to work with the energies that are inhibiting me from accessing and expressing my Shakti. As the remover of fear and difficulty, Durga teaches us not to run away from that which is difficult, but to face it with composure. Yoga, meditation, mantra, ritual all can help. By transmuting the negative charge of certain mental and emotional experiences we inevitably empower ourselves. When we live in accordance with our intuition, when we have focused our intention on releasing any binding thoughts and commit to transforming limiting patterns, we are able to shine as the divine beings that we are.


Nandu Menon (or Amarananda Bhairavan, author of Kali's Odiyya and Medicine Wheel of Light) teaches about four fundamental principle of Tantric Mysticism.


1. Non-violence and non-judgment

2. Humility and surrender

3. Unquestioning faith in the Goddess within

4. Unconditional Love for the Goddess within


Embodying these principles leads us to the enhancement of our most beneficent inner qualities.

VIJAYA DASHAMI!!!! Durga's Victory Day!

And Devi (goddess) said: Whoever with a concentrated mind shall pray to me constantly whether through recitation of my bija (seed) mantra, my sacred hymns (the Devi Mahatmya), singing my name in any of its forms, or chanting any other mantra asking for my protection, I shall, without a doubt, remove any trouble or problem from which you are suffering. Surrender yourself to me and I will lead you to the bliss of Self-knowledge.

10 days of continuous worship, unyielding reverence, unwavering devotion, and Mother Durga has liberated me from some severe mental and emotional afflictions. I am coming back to Life after 7 1/2 months of a very very very dark night of the soul, where I was pinned to the shifting floor of the underworld, where every belief, idea of who I am and what I want, when even my relationship to Her was stripped to its core and called into question. I relived every single disappointment I have ever felt during this time. I felt as if I was drowning in grief. I spent almost three months in bed with bronchitis and pneumonia, my lungs, the seat of our grief, could not function for my sadness about life and the state of the world was too deep and overwhelming. The suffering of women, children, the animal world, the Earth Herself. All the ways societal conditioning traps and limits both females and males from living authentically, freely. War and violence, conflict and pain. For over 7 months I sat as witness and victim to pain, pain, unrelenting pain. My own and others. And I almost lost my faith.


From the bowels of my ignorance and despair to the heart of self-luminescent brilliance and wisdom I have journeyed. My heavy, congested heart that was filled with uncertainty is now filled with LOVE, awe, and longing. Deep deep longing to stay in alignment with Her. To remember She is the force behind and between, within and without ALL EXISTENCE. Even when we do not feel Her, She is here. At times Her Shakti is only obscured, our consciousness cluttered, fragmented, so She can tear it all apart (OM NAMAS CHANDIKAYAY) and lead us from the unreal to the Real. All the things my ego desires, all the ways my thinking inhibits me, all the times I feel so utterly lost and alone-all of this I offered to Her flames and asked for annihilation and liberation. I chanted as if my life depended on it. Because it did. And now, ten days later, I feel Her victory in my own body. I know, again, I am Durga. I know She is every woman and man who I see. She is stronger, more awakened in some of us than in others. But She is in all of us. I know my journey will continue-through darkness and light, suffering and joy, pain and bliss. At this moment, I remember who I am and what I am here on this planet to do. To be in Service to Her. I may forget, I may become lost, I may fall into the underworld of despair from time to time. But this pilgrimage has been a true victory. The spiritual path leading me back to the illumined temple of my heart. The mantras and recitation of Her glorious name have freed me from the severe misery I had become lost in. I may cycle back to those spaces of sadness, for Her nature is both wrathful and benevolent, nurturing and fierce, but I know the journey is a continual process of becoming more aligned with Her. Each experience stretching our consciousness so we can open to experiencing more of Her ecstasy and radiant Shakti.


Mother Durga, the Remover of Difficulty and Fear, Great Goddess who rescues the distressed and afflicted who take refuge in You. Reverence to You, Reverence to You, Reverence to You.


Vijaya Dashami. Thank You for this Victory, Maa Durga. Jai Maa. Jai Jai Jai Jai Jai DURGA MAA!

Astami and Navami and Living Goddesses

On her ninth day, Navami, we ask for blessings for our tools and instruments. It is still one of Saraswati’s days and all the implements She inspires us to use are worshiped. Books, pens, my computer, beads and jewelry tools, anything that is necessary for my Work goes on the altar.

Saturday was the last morning ritual of the festival. I felt a little sad to know this daily ritual that has brought such a deep sense of power and grace to my life, is coming to an end. According to Durga’s myth, after the victory celebrations on the tenth day Durga returns to Her sacred abode in the mountains. It is not that She is no longer with us, She will always come when called. However, every year after the puja, the intensity of Shakti wanes, and we are asked to integrate the myriad lessons, insights and feelings we have opened to during the puja. Durga reminds us that She will always return-all we must do is call out Her name. I know this is true, but I will miss the warmth and empowering resonance that these rituals have provided. I will miss the mystifying ways the various Goddess energies and mantras have felt in my body. It has been very healing and restorative. For the past 9 days I have woken before dawn and have fully offered my Self to these pujas. I have felt Her strongly. She comes through in so many awesome ways. I sense that because of this regular worship I am more aligned and conscious of Her different expressions. I am deeply amazed by the ways Her energies are playing out in my life.

On the eighth and ninth days the battle Durga is fighting heats up. The myth tells of Her battle with Mahisasuramardini, the shape-shifting buffalo demon. In Nepal, these final three days belong to Kali (while Saraswati receives homage during the first three days). In any case, we must battle the remaining asuras or vestiges of negative thoughts, and open to the tremendous wisdom that Saraswati promises us.

On Friday, the eighth day after puja one of the devotees at this local temple gifted me with a copy of the Mahisuramardini Strotram. A wonderful chant/song narrating Durga’s battle with the demon. Actually, She is called Ambika, Chandika, and Parvati before She takes the name Durga, the Invincible One. Durga is the name of the demon She slays and liberates to its essentially divine essence. By assuming the name of a demon, Goddess shows that even that which we consider bad or negative is ultimately a part of Her. Like Durga, we can free ourselves from its limiting stronghold. Every morning we have sung this 15 minute chant and some have even danced. The words themselves induce a trancey energy. I find it impossible to sit and just read the words to the music. My body instinctively moves, sways, pulses with Shakti. This is Saraswati’s grace. Music, art, dance. The gift of this music from a sister devotee really touched me. I can now listen to it whenever I like. Although I do not know this woman, I have seen her almost every morning at the ritual and we both have recognized Durga in each other. It is an honor to make these connections with women, especially when I consider how a significant theme of the Durga puja in South Asia is that it is a reunion between mothers and daughters. Despite the patriarchal brahmanic overlays, I have experienced this festival as a ritual celebrating the bonds between women-which my own research has shown is its true origin.

A few minutes later, on this same day, another woman, who has been one of the main priestesses for the puja (and who looks like Durga!!! She is radiant with Durga’s energy!), invited me to help build the Sri Yantra for the Vijaya Dashami-Durga’s Victory, the tenth day. Synchronistically, I was wearing my Lalita necklace (the Sri Yantra is a manifestation of Lalita) and knew I needed to invoke some of Her delightful energies into my life. These necklaces are not your every day adornment. They are sacred, imbued with Goddess energy, and have continuously offered me and my clients who wear them many mystical and spiritually affirming experiences. It was no coincidence that the first day I wear a Lalita necklace to the puja I am invited to co-create a Sri Yantra out of colored rice. The Sri Yantra is Goddess Herself. And this Durga priestess, L. is truly an embodiment of Her.

On one of the first mornings of the puja I looked at this priestess and saw Her as a living emanation of this beautiful Chandi/Durga mask a friend in Bombay had given me. She has Shakti, and her presence has felt very familiar to me. Something I can only ascribe to Maa. Then on the evening of the eighth night I learn that this priestess, L, works in a crematorium! How Kali-esque! Kali and Her bevy of fierce goddesses frequent and perform ritual practices in the cremation ground. On the Tantric path we learn and experience how life and death walk hand in hand. Death, like life, is merely a state of being. Every moment we are experiencing death, whether it is of as thought, or experience, or something larger like the loss of physical body or forms. Many of the rituals revolve around confronting those things/people/places that we fear most. When L. told me how She burns bodies and how beautiful the experience is to her, I was deeply moved. It is a tremendous blessing for these souls, who are leaving this world, to have their physical forms offered to Her sacred flames by a priestess of Durga and Kali.

One of the many gifts I have received during this puja time is to continue to recognize Her in living women. I know many women in my own chakra of yoginis who are embodiments of Saraswati, the Black Dakini Throma, Lakshmi, Chamunda, Tara, and other Goddesses. And over the past week I have been exposed to many many more living women who are integrating goddess energies into their lives and consciously living Her myths. The myths have come even more alive for me. It is clear that these stories must have been based on women’s lives and expressions of femininity/female experience. For those of us who live unconventional lives, it is especially heartening to not only hear stories of unfettered yoginis, but to actually know them and witness their radical liberated and fearless dance within this world.

Astami and Navami have brought a multitude of rich blessings this year. Before Durga's mythical battles were won during the ninth night, before the rituals commemorating Vijaya Dashami, Durga's victory day, I have personally experienced a major shift in consciousness that consequently has attracted even more profound experiences around the power of women, especially women in groups. Last night at the Bioneers conference I had the great honor of having dinner with Alice Walker and the 13 Indigenous Grandmothers. The conversations, the heart opening, the teachings I received are something I must write about soon - but at a later time as I am too bleary eyed from lack of sleep and all the blazing Shakti. Tonight is Her great Victory Celebration. I must prepare for the final puja and open my heart to the victories and awareness that are still to come.

Saraswati Puja Day Seven

Om. I worship the incomparable Mahasaraswati, who holds in her lotus-like hands the bell, trident, plough, conch, mace, discus, bow and arrow, who is effulgent like the moon shining at the edge of a cloud, who is the support of the three worlds, and who came from the body of Gauri to destroy Shumnba and other asuras.
(In Praise of the Goddess: The Devimahatmya and Its Meaning, Devadatta Kali)

I meditate upon the Goddess Matangi, the Embodiment of the Mother (of Saraswati). Sitting upon a throne of jewels, She is listening to the sweet sounds of parrots. The color of Her body is dark. She has one foot resting upon a lotus, and She wears a half moon upon Her head. Wearing a garland of flower buds, She plays the strings of the vina. She covers Her body with a blouse and a red colored sari. In Her hand is a cup made of conch shell. From Her face comes a slight sweet scent which causes intoxication, and a brilliant spot of vermillion shines on Her forehead.

These are Goddesses I love and adore. Saraswati, Goddess of Creativity, Dance, Music, Poetry, all the Arts, Wisdom and Learning; Matangi Elephant-headed Goddess of Female Sexuality and Mystical Power. Today at the morning puja we worshiped MahaSaraswati. One Her devotees played a beautiful tin drum like instrument ( I wish I knew its name!). The notes sounded like water gently cascading over river rocks in a brook or stream. I wept from the resonance I felt in my heart. Saraswati, Goddess of Flow, of all the Waters, and Goddess of Music, Her essence merging and expressing itself in this puja through Her devotees. We chanted to Saraswati. We prayed. Some of us dance to the recitation of the Mahisuramardini-the trancey chant about Durga's battle with the shape-shifting buffalo demon. For almost two hours every morning we praise and worship Goddess. We ask for Her blessings. We say Her mantra 108 times and float in Her energy, my own consciousness merging and expanding.

This evening I had my Sanskrit class. My teacher is a tantric scholar and practitioner. He is very well-educated and funny. And he clearly knows how to dance with Saraswati. The Sanskrit alphabet is truly a science that expresses the spiritual patterns of our manifest reality. The phonemes of Sanskrit are building blocks of manifestation. The Goddess Vac, an earlier form of Saraswati, is the Goddess of the word-the word whose vibration brings the physical realm into manifest reality. The alphabet itself is a sacred act. There are even practices of mapping phonemes on the body. Language creates consciousness and the vibrational, linguistic and mystical properties of various letters and words in Sanskrit attest to language's influence on consciousness. (May I just remind us of my previous blog on the word guys...women are not guys. To call women in a group "guys" only perpetuates the patriarchal paradigm on many unseen levels...)

To continue with tonight, the first of Saraswati's three days, I attend class and receive teachings on the Sanskrit alphabet, one of Her domains. On these final three days Saraswati's gifts are that of illuminated wisdom, discernment, and clarity. It is wonderful to be able to live my life in such a congruent way with Her during these puja days. It is as if every aspect of my life reflects some of the qualities of each of these Goddesses on their particular days. I cannot see Her as separate, nor do I forget about Her after puja. She permeates my entire life and being, and I am grateful for the recognition of Her constant presence that I am experiencing.

We learn a beautiful chant to Saraswati. The tune has floated in and out of my consciousness since I first heard it sung in this rhythm four weeks ago. It is called Sardula-Vikridita, Tiger's play meter. Indeed the low notes could be the tiger's paws pressing heavily on the ground, and the lighter notes the times when the tiger is rolling and frolicking, then coming to her feet to pounce, then dive in play again. So many layers of consciousness are intentionally integrated and experienced as One through various modes of expression within this mantra. All the while the tiger plays, we clumsily try to pronounce the mantra while visualizing Saraswati and asking for Her blessing on our learning endeavors.

Hareesh, our teacher is extremely knowledgeable. He tends to go off on these fascinating esoteric tangents on tantric mysticism, linguistics, yoga, the Vedas, spiritual experiences, philosophy, mythology, ritual practices and more! All 8 of us students love it. What a wonderful way to learn the language. Although I studied it before, I never could get excited about it. We were translating texts on the warrior caste and rarely focused on pronunciation or spiritual philosophies. But now the language has come alive. The alphabet IS the Goddess. How wonderful to really see and feel this on Saraswati's day.

One of the teachings Hareesh shared tonight is a central aspect to the Tantric path. He described a path I embrace and was grateful to be reminded of. Desire.
Desire is Matangi's domain...The Tantric path teaches us to use sensual means to attain divine consciousness. In ritual worship Matangi is offered pollutants, things deemed taboo and unclean. She can transmute their energies into Shakti and so within Tantric circles these offerings hold much power. From the Tantric perspective, no desire is bad, when approached in moderation, any desire can be used as a tool to help us achieve union with the Divine. And the attainment of Divine union is the ultimate goal of every practitioner. What if we were to see every desire as a microcosmic manifestation of the divinity? What if, instead of coming from a place of lack, we realized that we are already complete and will enjoy the sensation of our own divinity through a catalyst-the desire. Awareness of our Divinity. To know that I am the One Who is aware of this 'chocolate', craving, experience. The joy of obtaining our desire is not really inside the thing itself, but comes from following joy back to its source. Who is the one experiencing the joy? I actually am the instrument of the joy, not the desire itself. Here we find the bliss of our self-awareness. As the sensation subsides once the desire has been used, the mind too has the opportunity to dissolve into pure awareness - if one can stay conscious through the practice.

Jai Matangi Maa! Jai Saraswati Maa!

MahaLakshmi Puja Days 4-6

Om. I revere Mahalakshmi, who holds in her hands the prayer beads, ax, mace, arrow, thunderbolt, lotus, bow, waterpot, staff, lance, sword, shield, conch, bell, wine cup, trident, noose and the discus Sudarshana; whose complexion is radiant like coral; who is seated on a lotus; and who is the destroyer of Mahisasura.
(In Praise of the Goddess: The Devi Mahatmya and Its Meaning, Devadatta Kali)

The last three days, days four through six of the puja, have been devoted to Mahalakshmi. During the first three we worshiped Maa Durga. We sang to Her, offered flowers, rice, coconuts, and fruit. We offered all of our "demons," our self-limiting ego perceptions. We asked Her to clear our karma and prepare us for the abundance that Lakshmi has to offer. And She did.

Mother Lakshmi is the goddess of spiritual and material wealth, harmony, plentitude, and generosity. Her seat is the lotus; a sacred symbol of the initiate's journey. As the Goddess of fruition, She is celebrated as the rajas, the fertile passionate life force. During Lakshmi's days we see the first tender green shoots of the jamara or barley plant sprout. The blades represent the swords Durga uses in Her battle with Mahisasuramardini and the other demons. We will continue to chant to them for the next three days. The blades remind us that although we have come to a place of abundance with Lakshmi, there are still shape-shifting "demons" in our own lives to slay.

I continue my pilgrimage, waking before dawn and walking to the temple, half-asleep, but filled with awe. I make my way through the rainy dark streets and enter the temple just as light is breaking-every day. Lakshmi is rain and She is earth. She is light and She is darkness. Every act and experience is infused with Lakshmi's energy. It is not hard to get up so early. This energy is soothing to my mind, heart and soul.

The morning puja is exquisitely beautiful. I could not have ever asked for more of a reverent and authentic Durga puja in the States. The women pujaris are embodiments of Maa. The male pujaris give me hope of a world that honors the female divine. We chant and pray, give offerings and receive. I feel transported to another realm and cherish these moments of profound connection. I am still in awe of this blessing of daily puja to Durga so close to my home. I can dress in my saris, a different one for each of Her days, and immerse myself in the energy of each particular aspect of Her. Each Matrika, Durga, Kali, Lakshmi and beginning tomorrow, Saraswati, are manifestations of female consciousness. I am living these various expressions through my body. A part of me wishes I did not have to work or be in the every day world and could fully surrender to the states of consciousness I feel pulled toward. But this Work is about divine embodiment and there is no separating any part of life. On the third day of Lakshmi puja clarity about several aspects of my self and life comes to me. Suddenly, with MahaLakhsmi I feel Oneness.

1998 Darshan with the Kumari

In April I traveled to the Kathmandu Valley of Nepal. As the pilot maneuvered the body of the plane through the narrow gap between mountains and onto what is known as one of the most precarious landing strips in the world, my heart raced with excitement. While the other passengers clapped and sighed with great relief that the plane had safely touched ground, I experienced a strange feeling that if I died at this moment, I would be content. Later, looking back at this uncanny sensation, I realize that I was about to experience a death, a death of how I had known and thought of my self. My understanding of my existence in the universal scheme of things would be challenged and – over the next nine years— deeply transformed.

I had intended on doing a month long meditation retreat which began the afternoon of my arrival, but as I surrendered to the Shakti, the divine female energy that permeated the Valley, a different path began to unfold and I found myself wandering down the infamous Freak Street toward Durbar Square— the heart of Kathmandu. The medieval red brick buildings and streets bathed in the glow of the South Asian afternoon sun were strangely familiar. Immediately I was drawn to the temple of the Kumari, who, at that time was a seven-year-old living incarnation of Goddess Durga. I entered Her temple courtyard wearing red, (which signifies the life force energy specifically known as Shakti), without realizing until later that this is part of the ritual custom in approaching Goddess here. I stood there in awe of the intricately carved temple struts, the small deity plaques above doors, the yantras (geometric forms of the goddess) carved into the ground. Within moments She appeared wrapped in red and gold glittery robes and laden with necklaces, earrings, bracelets and rings.

The Virgin Goddess, who within the Nepalese political structure has even more power and authority than the king, is chosen around the age of two, put through a series of tests that only a physical body spiritually fortified for a divine being can conquer, and searched for thirty-three auspicious marks on her body. The process of choosing male lamas in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition is similar to the initiatory rites around selecting a Kumari. The power of Durga remains within the young goddess girl until she begins to menstruate. I later learned that women who have menstrual disorders go to the Kumari and pray for help. Despite her virgin purity, reproductive illnesses are part of her domain. It was no wonder that I had instinctually gone directly to her temple upon arriving in Nepal for I had been suffering from endometriosis for three years.

I was not prepared for the arresting sight of a young girl decked in rich crimson robes, and bejeweled with gold necklaces and amulets. Her forehead had been painted bright red and traced with yellow to accent the rest of her face. In the center was a carefully-placed glittering gold and black eye. Around her human eyes were thick black lines, used to ward off evil spirits. She leaned out the intricately carved window frame, held up by two attendants on either side of her, and watched me, the only person in the courtyard, with all three eyes.

Her stare went right through me; rearranged and removed some of what was inside. I received her darshan, an auspicious and very potent blessing from the deity. In many respects, darshan, which means to see and be seen by the deity, is the ultimate goal for a pilgrim. At the time I had no conscious understanding of any of the ritualistic or even spiritual significance of this. I felt Her energy and knew she was different than the other humans I had met. This young embodiment of Durga has undeniable power.

To me the Kumari is a living goddess, and yet the qualities of her human life trouble me. She is not allowed to be educated, for she is believed to be omniscient. She is not allowed to play with other girls for she is the Goddess and all reside in Her. Her feet are not allowed to touch the ground for it is deemed polluting to orthodox Hindus and Buddhists and so she is carried everywhere. Even more concerning, after her short “reign,” the menstruating girl or now, young woman, is returned to her village and essentially ostracized by the entire community, mainly out of fear that they somehow may incite the wrath of the Goddess she once was. The status of the ‘retired’ Kumari tells much about how the status of women is still maligned. There is much to be said about the fear of menstrual blood. A topic for another time. However, it is fascinating to think that in the Kathmandu Valley, even today, there is universal acceptance of this female child as divine if only for a ten-twelve year period. Since my initiation with the Kumari, I have often wondered, how my life and every other woman’s I know would be different if we knew from an early age that we are not separate from the Divine, but like the Kumari, hold this sacred power within our female bodies?

Durga's Tools and Weapons

The sacred objects Durga carries in each of her eight to eighteen hands, like the Great Goddess herself, carry the power to create and destroy. Symbolically they serve as guides and tools we can use to help us get through the inevitable cycles of death, destruction and suffering as well as life, blossoming and joy. For example, Durga’s knives are not to be used for violence, but are a symbol of liberation. The knife is a tool that cuts away; it severs or excises that which no longer serves us whether it be a destructive belief, an unhealthy relationship, or a toxic situation we find ourselves embroiled in. Her sword also points to the focus and discriminating wisdom that is necessary in life – particularly to those committed to a spiritual path. All the sharp weapons Durga carries cut through obstacles that impede our progress and clear the path for spiritual growth.

Often she carries a shield for protection, a bow for determination and focus, and an arrow for penetrating insight. When she holds a bell it is to be used to invoke mental clarity and to clear the air of negativity, when her fingers play with a string of beads (mala) her worshipers are reminded of lessons on concentration and spiritual growth. The club she wields can be used to beat a new path, and the three pronged trident pierces through the veils of the past, present and future and teaches us about birth, life and death. The conch shell represents the vibratory powers of manifestation, while the lotus refers to both spiritual and material abundance. The skull or severed head, a common motif also associated with Durga in her fiercest of forms, represents the ego and all the ways we become slaves to our egos. The ego mind conceives of situations as bad or good, positive or negative, while Durga is here to show us the paradoxical nature of our reality and the divine unity behind all existence.

Chandika-She Who Tears Apart Thought- 2nd Day of Puja

It was difficult getting out of bed this morning. Only the second day and already my mind balks at the thought of getting up when it is still dark, cold, and wet outside. As I hit snooze on my alarm, I thought, Maybe I could sleep in today and go again tomorrow? Hmmm...already my ego is making a fuss. No. I tell that part of myself. But you are not in Nepal, this asura (demon) counters. Well, I ask her, Why should I limit the extent of my devotion to puja experiences in Asia? Aren't I trying to live a more integrated life? A life in balance and sacred union regardless of where I am and what my mind tells me is and is not sacred?

While there is no drumming beginning at three a.m. to rock me out my sleep -- and no roosters telling me that light will soon come and it is time to get up, there is the thought of a temple room filled with Durga devotees and the vibratory hum of mantras to Goddess only a short walk away. Being here in Berkeley and waking before dawn to attend worship of Goddess is as much of a pilgrimage as attending those 2000 year old sites abroad.

I had planned to go back to Kathmandu for Dashain this year, but a revelation that came to me after the September lunar eclipse told me I needed to stay home. Earlier this week I had begun to feel sad that I had not made the decision to go, even though all the signs were clear that it was not to be. This morning I am suddenly struck by what seems almost miraculous -- I can attend puja in my neighborhood. And here I can actually chant along with the priestesses, priests, and other devotees. In Nepal I made the rounds to temple after temple, but rarely sat and chanted with the priest for a couple hours every day. This is a different opportunity to experience Her. Staying in my warm cozy bed does not even compare with the fiery Shakti radiance I feel when I chant to the Divine Mother.

While a part of me longs for the familiar pre-dawn sounds and smells of the Durga puja in Kathmandu, I focus my thoughts on what is around me here. As I make my way in the chilly liminal light, I notice that I am not distracted by the environment here and so I can go deeper within. I become more of a witness to Goddess within me, than how She manifests in the world around me. In Nepal, the temples, the dogs, the offerings --everywhere, chai sellers, and prasad vendors, marching musicians, rik shaw drivers-even in the dark the world is abuzz with Shakti. But here in these early twilight hours, She is still quiet, pensive, reflective. I need to know Her stillness in order to do the work of this day.

On this second puja day, we offer harmful, self-defeating, self-negating thoughts that bind us.
Om namascandikayai. We bow to the Goddess who tears apart thought.
Yikes. My thoughts have been on a rather negative course lately. My mind needs some major purification. I have become obsessed with the suffering of my past, too pre-occupied with my fears of the future. Thank Goddess I can offer my negative thoughts to Durga and Kali. But the Work feels rather daunting. I notice how I am attached to some of the stories and perceptions of my self and the world that these thoughts generate....

Rather than allowing myself to freak out by naming and judging all the afflictions in my mind, I decide to chant and allow questions to arise. Be fierce but with compassion. Durga tells me. I can try that out. What are my doubts? When have I lost my concentration and conviction? How have I become lazy in my worship? How have I not honored myself? Who is this demon of self-loathing and shame that creeps in every now and again? How is my rage directed at myself rather than channeled into constructive means of transforming self and the world? What is it that keeps me from manifesting my desires?

It is painful to witness my mind. Shocking to think how easily I stray. How do I stay committed to this path and allow myself to confront and embrace the asuras, the demons that seem to continuously appear within and around me? I struggle with thoughts of how I think my life should be. I worry about other's judgments. At times I fear the repercussions of speaking my truth. Sometimes I speak my truth and am shocked, hurt, even devastated by other's reactions. Being devoted to Her is not always the easiest, most gentle of paths. Still, it is the only path I truly know. It is a path I know I must not resist, but surrender to with an open trusting heart. But my heart feels broken and just too congested right now. It is obvious I have a lot of work to do. My mind starts to feel overwhelmed by my thoughts and the feelings that arise. I call on Chandika. The only thing I can do is chant and pray. Om namaschandikayai. Please tear apart my thoughts, Great Goddess, till only Your luminous wisdom remains.

Maha Durga She Who is Indomitable

Om. I revere MahaKali, who holds in her hands the sword, discus, mace, arrow, bow, club, spear, sling, human head, and conch; who is three-eyed, adorned on all her limbs, and sparkling like a sapphire; who has ten faces and ten feet; and whom Brahma extolled while Visnhu slept in order to slay Madhu and Kaitabha. (In Praise of the Goddess. The DeviMahatmya and Its Meaning by Devadatta Kali)

Today, Friday October 12th begins the Durga Puja. Although technically, in California we should have begun our worship on Thursday morning, since it was the first dawn after the new moon. Local yoga studios and ashrams seem to be coordinating their puja schedule with the South Asian dates, so I am willing to let go of this technicality and surrender to the truth of time being truly irrelevant. After all, Durga Kali, who is worshiped these first three days, is beyond time and space.

There is another difference in the puja practices here that my mind has had to come to terms with. In Kathmandu the first three days are acknowledged as Saraswati's days and the Goddess of Creativity, Learning, Poetry, Music and the Arts is worshiped on these first three days. But here (and in some parts of India and Nepal) it is KALI who is worshiped first (and Saraswati is worshiped the last three days). This year beginning these rituals with the fierce Mother feels in alignment with my own needs. It is during these days that I am offering all my negative tendencies, all my inhibiting karmas and preparing the ground of my being for the Goddess energies that are to come. A different approach to Her, Durga, who is often described as being inapproachable. This alternative approach is not right or wrong, merely a shift in perspective. Yes, that is something I need to invite in my life right now as I see how my thinking and some of my judgments have become stuck and are limiting me.

I have not participated in Durga puja in the US in any formal way, so the fact that daily pujas are being held at 7:00 a.m. every day during this ten day ritual period only five blocks from my home (and performed by priestesses!) feels like a tremendous blessing and invitation. An invitation to what? To entering a realm of Goddess consciousness, to experiencing a vibratory level of being in a group setting in the west. I have shied away from groups for various reasons. I have lived my life as an independent yogini for years. I have found my Matrika kula, my intimate clan group of Shaktas, but we dance in and out of each other's lives. Our devotion, although deeply shared, is often expressed through personal rather than communal experience. And my relationship to the land in South Asia defined my connection to Her. For years I felt the electrifying Shakti at the thousand-year old sites of worship that I visited in India and Nepal. I would return to the States feeling fragmented, disconnected, no longer tuned in as fully as I had been in Asia. Sometimes I would access Her realm at my altar, alone, or with my teacher, Nandu, but rarely out in the western world.

In Tantra our bodies, our being is a reflection or aspect of the macro-cosmic whole. I want to really know that HERE in my home town. If Devi is everywhere, then we should not have to travel to India or Nepal just to get those Shakti jolts. For years I have been frustrated, angry and depressed by how maligned, feared, marginalized the Divine Mother is here in the west. I have loved traveling abroad and witnessing the millions who love and adore Her. But it seems that with the beginning of this Durga puja She is revealing that there are more of us here in the west that worship Her fierceness and Her grace than I realized. She has come to us here in the west because we have called Her to us. We know She has much to teach us about justice, equality, peace and inner strength. Although I may continue to maintain my independent path of worship after this puja period, a part of me keeps thinking how I may not be as alone as I often feel and think I am. She is here. Outside of my shrine room, within myself and in every other devotee at the puja. In every tree, cat and stone.

Durga, whose name means fortress, is the Invincible One. She is unconquerable, indomitable, and fearless. In Her manifestation as MahaKali, She destroys our delusions, She pierces through the veils of our ignorance, She annihilates our arrogance. She frees us from our pain. Her eight to eighteen arms carry the tools and weapons we need to approach any conflict and challenge in our life with conviction and composure. She teaches us to enter life's struggles without losing our center. She reminds us that we are all embodiments of Her. I do not want to forget this, and yet it is a teaching that continues to unfold for me.

"I meditate upon the three-eyed Goddess, Durga, Reliever of Difficulties; the luster of Her beautiful body is like lightening. She sits upon the shoulders of a lion and appears very fierce. Many maidens (Matrikas or Mother Goddesses) holding the double-edged sword and shield in their hands are standing at readiness to serve Her. She holds in Her hands discus, club, double-edged sword, shield, arrow, bow, net and the mudra connecting the thumb and the pointer finger, with the other three fingers extended upwards, indicating the granting of wisdom. Her intrinsic nature is as fire, and upon her head She wears the moon as a crown."
(Chandi Path by Swami Satyananda Saraswati)

Simple Acts of Reverence, Durga and Her Festival

Durga Puja, the harvest festival in celebration of Goddess Durga begins the day after the new moon this week. Here is a piece from my book about my experience during Durga Puja in Kathmandu in 2000.

At the autumn equinox, the annual worship of Goddess Durga begins on the dark moon. For nine days and nights daily recitation of the Sri Sri Chandi text invokes Durga’s victory over demons that are destroying the precious equilibrium of the earth. The Chandi serves as a mythological guide demonstrating the immeasurable powers Durga embodies, which, from a tantric perspective, are inherent in each of us. The ritual re-enactment of this epic myth expresses a deep reverence for earth as Mother and honors the inseparable connection between divine and human existence.

On each morning of the nine day festival, Durga’s devotees go to one of the hundreds of Goddess temples in the Valley. They bathe in the river at a tirtha or sacred place of the Goddess to cleanse themselves of negative thoughts and emotions. Then, they collect sand from the river bank to place on their home shrine. On the first morning of the ritual, after the sand has been added to the family altar, a priest invokes the Goddess Durga into the seeds of the barley plant. The sprouts that will appear over the next nine days become symbolic of the sword Durga uses to cut away destructive forces.

On the first morning of the Durga festival in 2000, I dressed in red and went down to the river with several other women from the pilgrimage I was co-leading. We bought an offering plate of woven leaves filled with rice, red and yellow powder, oiled-wicks in ceramic cups, coconuts, flowers, especially marigolds; a favorite of Durga, rice, and ropes of incense. I soon became lost within this world. Beyond the bounds of time and space, immersed in the sacredness of every act, I found myself going from shrine to shrine as if I had done it hundreds of times before. All my senses were utilized: the act of darśan— seeing and being seen by the deity, touching their feet or foreheads, listening to chanting and bells ringing, the smell of incense and flowers floating through the air, and the taste of consecrated food.

Our small group followed the procession that wound throughout the temple complex. Inside the central gates there is an elaborate medieval pagoda style temple that houses an image of Durgā as Bhagawati. In this manifestation Her name refers to the creative power of women’s yonis or wombs/vulvas. This power does not necessarily manifest in a physical child for goddesses like Durga and many of her counterparts are, in fact, not biological mothers. Her power is the force of creativity in all its forms, but especially art, music, dance and literature.

To the right of Bhagawati’s temple, fifteen people were playing instruments and chanting to Devī under a roofed, but open-walled pavilion. The sounds of devotional music reverberated throughout the compound. We went down to the end of the line, which reached the riverbank. Women and men must wait in separate lines, and as is common in most religious rituals I have attended, the women outnumber the men two to one. A long line of vibrant red saris flowed through the temple. I entered the blood red stream and awaited my turn with Bhagawati.

In the main courtyard a group of Goddesses, the Nava Durgās, nine fierce manifestations of the Goddess Durga are carved into niches along the walls. Flowers and rice coated in blood and red vermillion paste carpeted the temple grounds. Sweet mystifying whiffs of incense filled the air. Red, orange, and yellow powder stained my fingers and was smeared on my face from brushing my hair back every time I knelt down to rest my head on a deity's smeared crimson feet. A vibrant array of colors and offerings were all over the ground and covered every deity and divine icon along the way.

Even though I am not Hindu, I was allowed inside the temple. The inner sanctum is dark, moist, and pungent with smells of the many offerings to Goddess. After placing my head on Bhagawati’s sticky red feet and giving Her my offerings and prayers, I went outside to light a butter lamp, burn incense, and ring a bell as a means of communicating with the Divine. Such gestures signal our devotion and reverence, as well as our acknowledgement of being in sacred space. I stood there in prayer for a few moments, then turned to see a middle-aged Nepalese woman warmly smiling at me. Her eyes met mine, “Jaya Mata, Victory to the Mother" she whispered to me as she touched my hand. Two women from different continents, worlds and languages apart from each other, and yet despite the superficial unfamiliarities we share, there is a deeper bond of love and devotion to Goddess. I have found unity, if even for a brief moment.
Jai Bhagawati Ma.